Friday, October 14, 2011

October 15th.

{this post has details that everyone may not want to read. warning!}

I never thought too much about October 15th. It was just a normal day in October to me! When I started blogging I realized it was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. And? Can I be honest for a minute? I always felt sorry for them and would pray for them .. but I never really understood or knew 100% how much I needed to pray for them. Until now.
I've never shared about our miscarriage on the blog. I have wanted to, I just couldn't find the words. This post is probably going to be wordy and random-I apologize now.

I think as soon as your firstborn turn 1 people start asking you if you're ready for #2. I wasn't then, but after I few months baby fever had struck again! We weren't trying to get pregnant, but God had other plans!
On February 25th, 2011 I woke up around 4:30 to take a test. I had been having a feeling for a while, and knew it was finally time to see if I was right.
I took the test .... POSITIVE!!!!!!
Josh wasn't home from work yet, so I started freaking out.
Are we ready for this baby? Can we afford another baby? Will Josh be upset that I'm pregnant?
I was freaking out!
I met him outside and through the tears I told him we were pregnant and that I was sorry. Of course he wasn't upset and told me everything was going to be okay.
After a few hours I had calmed down, excepted that I was pregnant, and was beyond happy!
Two kids under two. Sounds crazy, but I'm excited!!

About a month passed. Everything seemed 100% normal. I was taking my vitamin, drinking tons of water, and watching what I ate just to be "safe".
I knew how to take care of myself and a baby. Hello-I just had one and had this under my belt!

On Sunday March 12th I woke up from an afternoon nap and had started bleeding. I couldn't stop crying. I knew something was wrong.
I made an appointment for the following Monday to see my new OB.

I got to the appointment, signed in, and did the urine test. Everything was going okay and I was keeping it together.
The nurse called me back to get information and I had to break the news why I was there. That's when I lost it! Tears flowing, I explained to her that I was bleeding. Not spotting, bleeding. My new OB heard me and came over to check on me.
He immediately sent me to get an ultrasound to check on things. I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like 8 hours.

I was finally called back. I got ready for the ultrasound. The nurse placed the cold, squishy gel on my belly and got her instrument all set up.
First shot I see the sweetest little peanut. I didn't think anything of it at first. Maybe he/she is just napping?
Next shot..nothing. She got a look that I could never explain. A look that I'm sure she has given too many women.
She said she was sorry, but she had to keep measuring just to get information for my OB. The baby measured at almost 6 weeks, even though I was almost 11 weeks.

That walk back to my OB's office? The.longest.ever.!!!
I was trying to hide by crying, but if you know me I'm the loudest person ever. I was bawling! How could this be happening to us? We're young! We're a Christian family! We'll actually take care of our baby!
Those things sound harsh, but they're just some of the thoughts that were in my head. I was devastated!

My OB called us into his personal office to talk to us. He explained what options we had and let me know it was nothing I did or nothing that I could have prevented. That made me feel somewhat better. But, how did he know? What if it was because I questioned it at first? Was God paying me back?*

We got in the car to come home and I lost it again.
Why? Why now? Why us?I'd already taught Kaidence that there was a baby in my tummy. I had already ordered her big sister shirt. I had already planned our announcement party.
Why did everything have to be ruined?!?!

I will be honest and say it took me about a month to get over the anger. I was angry that this happened to us. After the anger came the grief. I cried a lot about not having a growing baby belly. Especially when I read/heard people complaining about their's! Now I'm in a stage of realization. Realizing that I did infact have a miscarriage. I did infact lose a baby.

Our due date was October 19th. That day is approaching soon. I don't want to make a huge deal about that day, but we are going to remember it. Will it be an emotional day? I'm sure. But I know it will help.

Some of you may not know about October 15th. If not, here is a website to learn more about it.

Will you be lighting a candle? If you've never had a miscarriage, or lost a baby you still can do it. Do it in rememberance of those who have.

(This was not written for sympathy or to make people feel sorry for us. This is our family blog and something I want to remember.)

*Please know I don't think that now. At that point I was beyond emotional and Satan was trying to take control of the situation!


Tiffany said...

So sorry to hear about your loss, please know that all your feelings are normal and when the time is right you things will go right the next time around :)

Molly said...

So sorry to hear this, Ashley. It's a tough thing to get through, and you definitely go through a roller coaster of emotions. Lord knows I did. Thanks for sharing, sometimes it feels better to just let it out. And when you do, you realize how many women have been through the same thing.

Praying that as your due date approaches, you find peace and a little healing!


Amy said...

praying for you. what a brave and heartfelt post. i know that SO many (including myself) can relate and will feel comfort just knowing that others have been there, too.
i'll never understand this side of heaven why things like this happen, but all i can do is trust that HE is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow! praying for you

Perfectly Imperfect said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this... I can definitely relate.. Thinking of you girl :)

KM said...

{{{HUGS}}} I Love You!


Kim H. said...

I hate that you had to go through that. There is just so much pain - and I can't even imagine. I waited 8 years for my miracles... and I don't know that I would have survived if I'd been forced to deal with that. I walked through it with a close friend twice, and I remember holding her hand while she kept asking me why her babies had to die. Gut wrenching. She just had a sweet baby boy though - so don't give up hope. I know there are other circumstances, but just hang in there - God has a plan for us all.